Daily Mail goes into overdrive: 'One gay man, two lesbians, a three-legged cat and a poisoned curry plot'

Take a bow Jaya Narain for you have today crafted a pitch-perfect Daily Mail intro:

“A gay man tried to poison his lesbian neighbours by putting slug pellets into their curry after he was accused of kidnapping their three-legged cat.”

Can anyone think of a more compelling first paragraph?