What’s on the editors’ Christmas wish lists?

Kelvin MacKenzie
ex-Sun editor, former L!ve TV boss, one-time TalkSport owner and media speculator (Highbury House)

Dear Santa,
Call yourself a f****** joybringer? Putting Saint Christopher Myer in charge of the Press Complaints Commission hasn’t exactly filled anyone with tidings of comfort and f****** joy, has it? And that Editors’ Code? I wouldn’t wipe my arse on it, man. What YOU need for Christmas is me as chairman of the PCC. I’d soon sort out Wade and Wallace and the rest. What I don’t know about dodges and scams you could fit up a gnat’s arse.

Mark Thompson
BBC director general

Dear Santa,
I feel mean saying so, but another hostage crisis would be wizard! Just joking! Alan Johnston looked sooo good with the beard and the hair, even without makeup. And the interviews! The follow-ups! Alan’s imprisonment and eventual release were the only positive publicity the BBC has had this year. And, oddly enough, it was the staff who did itâ€¦ who’d have thought that bunch of Lefties had it in them?

David Montgomery
European mega-publisher
Liebe Santa, HolÃ und Happy Christmas! All I want for Christmas is another 60p off the Trinity Mirror share price and I’m back in the big time! Und zis time ze man zey called Rommel vill be backed up by the Mighty Mecom und three divisions of German journos. In other words, NO MORE MISTER NICE GUY!

Simon Kelner
editor, The Independent

Dear Santa,
Can you see your way clear to drying up those things that keep cropping up at the drop of a hatâ€¦ you know, the things that break at the most inconvenient times and interfere with the poster fronts and inside spreads in my VIEWSpaper? What the hell are they called again? Hang on, I’ve got it: news stories! Are they REALLY necessary, Santa?

Alan Rusbridger
editor-in chief, The Guardian and Observer

Dear Santa,
Herewith my wish list: Several Finnish forests of high-quality newsprint so my intellectual elite here at Farringdon Road can leave newspaper production to the subs and get on with the real business of producing wallcharts (Next Week: Life Cycle of the Lemur!) A peerage for Peter Preston which, hopefully, will tie the old boy up in good works and spare me the twice-weekly chore of reading the views of the Editor Emeritus on how good the papers were in HIS day (Sarah Tisdall excepted). One, just ONE, end-of-year media review that doesn’t bang on endlessly about what a big loss Roger Alton will be to The Observer and to the civilised world in general. Frankly, Santa, it’s a bore.

Number 10 press office

Dear Santa,
I wud lik a Spin-tendo for Crissmus cos my big bruvver Alastair ruined the last one. Oh, and can we have enuff Big News Days so we can sneak out all the bad news at the same time? Assooming there are enough Big News Days in a year, that is.

Roger Alton
editor, The Observer

Dear S**ta,
All I f**k**g want for **ck*** Christmas, excuse my **ck*** French, is a **ck*** major political exclusive so I can f**k**g show those **ck*** wa*k**s at The Gu**d**n what they are going to miss when I’m **ck*** gone!

Professor Roy Greenslade
celebrity blogger, media life coach and spiritual guide to the Fourth Estate

Dear Santa,
My Christmas wish is simple and typically selfless: peace and a paperless society, an online media, clean and decent in mind and body, free of the likes of Peter Wilby, Stephen Glover and the odious Bob Maxwell (although at least he paid well).