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March 23, 2007updated 18 Apr 2007 12:11am

There’s panic brewing at Canary Wharf

By Axegrinder axeblog

There’s panic at the Mirror’s Canary Wharf HQ where hacks fear their traditional cuppa is under threat.

Bosses want to remove all kettles from the floors used by the Mirror, Sunday Mirror, People and Racing Post.

The management claims it’s to help save the planet, but hacks fear it’s a plot to save on the company’s electricity bill.

In a memo headed “kettle replacement to save 8 tonne (sic) of CO2 per year”, hacks received the following ominous warning: “All kettles will be removed once new ZIP water boilers are installed in the pantries on floors 23, 22, 20 and 19 on Thursday 22nd March 2007.”

Clearly fearing a backlash, the memo goes on to explain the advantages of the new boilers and the problems with kettles:

The advantage of the ZIP water boilers are:

  1. No waiting time ‒instant boiling water.
  2. Hygiene regime ‒cleaning service provided.
  3. Reduction in electrical use
  4. Reduction in CO2 output – Twenty kettles have been identified on the floors including the existing pantry kettles.

There are some anomalies not included in the following calculation, these are:

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  1. The pantry kettles receive much more than average use.
  2. Many users actually empty warm water from the kettles and refill with clean which requires extra electricity to bring the kettle back to boiling”

And just in case, anyone doubts the wisdom of removing the beloved kettles, the memo goes on to list a host of bewildering statistics from Aston University about just how bosses arrived at the “8 tonne” of carbon emissions caused by the kettles.

Strangely, the management failed to mention the most environmentally friendly action it could take ‒to stop printing millions of newspapers each day and sending them all over Britain in a fleet of lorries.

Or is Axegrinder just missing the point?

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